Where D'Ya Go, Rho? Ep1 Hello

Where D'Ya Go, Rho? Ep1 Hello

11th March 2024

Hello. Something strange happened to me. It wasn’t dramatic and instantaneous like a stroke or a heart attack, this was slow, creeping and gradual. A snail paced raid upon the essence of my very being. My confidence was wiped out along with my mental health. I was anxious, wary and downright fearful of the world around me. This was pre covid but the effect of the pandemic was like a final nail in the coffin, boxing me in and ensuring any elevation I felt about myself was kept to a minimum.

Having battled with my MH I was aware of the black dog and how the ups and downs of my moods would fluctuate. I was SAD in winter and would emerge bleary eyed in spring peeping out like first fledgling snowdrops of Spring. Whatever this darkness was, it was different. It was a stasis by an adding on of weight that eventually became too heavy for me to move. I was pinned down and out for the count. 1,2,3 My brain was busy and the will was willing but the spark to create movement to shift me was out. 4,5,6,7- My pilot light had blown and I was all outta matches. 8, 9, 10 Yer Out!

This funk was like wearing a Harry Potter style invisibility cloak. The feeling that you were a permanent non essential worker, a shielder in every sense of the word. In the past I had managed to shake off my insecurities and mask up to face whatever society had in store but not now.

I spent months on end staring into the blank magnolia of my ceiling, rewatching and rewinding endless media unable to focus long enough to truly take in the scene. I had become a hardcore hurkle-durkler (a Scots term coined for someone who languished in bed long after waking up). I would bed rot until bedtime and then lay awake with a brain full of bedlam praying for unconsciousness to kick in, which normally only did long after the morning shift in our house was already on the way to school and work.

The rabbit wheel had been slowing with only small spurts of activity. I was losing my mind as well as my identity. I had made changes to try and combat this blanket from covering me entirely but so far nothing was effective.

It took months (from approx Oct 23- Feb 24) to finally come clean and post on Facebook for help. I deleted it a number of times before deciding to press send and let my circle in on why I was MIA.

Here is my post-

Question? Does anyone have any suggestions how to get one’s spirit/mojo confidence back?

Mine vanished in Jan 2017 and hasn’t returned. College didn’t make it come back as I hoped it would, working in Media Production made it infinitely worse. I have stopped creating- no painting, no crafts, no writing, no comedy, no acting and all the while the voice in the head saying what’s the point? Who cares? You’re useless.

I’d take all the broken bones over a broken spirit any day of the week.

I was at a gig last night, wanting to go home and with tears streaming down my cheeks because I effectively felt life was over. I feel like the stereotypical middle aged woman who has become invisible. The middle of a gig has always been my happy place. Not so much now.

Any practical solutions would be very much welcomed. I’m lost and my bearings are truly fecked.

I even deleted and swithered posting this for fear and worries that it will be held against me as weakness. My trust in people, particularly on a work front is non existent after a number of burns so I am starting from a low baseline. I pondered ending out to only a select few for fear of reprisals.

Time is passing but this feeling isn’t budging and is rolling like a snowball and gathering as it goes.

I used to be funny enough to do weekends at Christmas at the Stand and act to the point they invited me to the Olivier Awards so why has my rational mind been superceded and I have become physically and emotionally stuck.

I know many top ranking professionals on here, people with confidence in spades so any tips would be welcomed.

Photo is from the last time I felt myself. It was Christmas 2016. I can’t let 2024 be a continuation. It needs to be a full stop. New chapter.

I think I am not the only person but without asking the question I can't be sure I’m not just a wee freak of nature. The lesser known Sting track- An Alien in Mosspark. As terrifying as it was living this hostage style half life and as fearful as I was to press the button, I had to do something or else I was on a path that was darker than a Crimewatch reconstruction. I was contemplating pressing the delete button on life. CTRL ALT DEL no reboot. The blue screen of doom that would devastate my kids and leave a widow of Mark and they didn’t deserve that.

I was desperate and exhausted but that SEND was the start of a journey I feel compelled to share with you. So here it is the start of a journey to find myself again. To pick up the pieces of a life filled with obstacles and pitfalls and try and navigate my way through the abyss and see if I was waiting on the other side.

This is the beginning of me answering the question “Where Did Ya Go Rhona?