Where D'Ya Go, Rho? Ep15 Under Pressure

Hello folks! It’s been a busy wee while. Sorry I have been away for AGES but college has taken over and at the mo and the blog got put on the back burner but I have a sneaky wee way of bringing it back.

College is ramping up a pace or two as I am in my final months of my HND and as per usual, it all tends to pile on in the final stretch. I forced myself to go back to education after leaving a couple of times for work. It seemed logical rather than to study for the job you want to actually do the job you want when it comes along.

However, media work is sporadic in its nature and at a time when over 70% of the freelance workforce are unemployed then I was not in a position to turn any offers down but it came to an end as it does and while I was falling back into the well of despair, I decided something had to give.

My health is often low after doing any kind of work as my focus goes there rather than onto my self care and health maintenance as I try to bring home some bacon. I want my kids to see that despite my health issues that there is still scope to achieve and grow. I don’t want them to look back and feel that their lives were lacking in some way due to me. I was falling back into depression (that TBH hadn’t really gone away, I just managed to push it down for a bit) and was staring 2024 in the face with an empty itinerary and little hope. However, I was in the start of the fightback and something had to be done. The NHS had no answers and it fell to me and me alone to get something done. I bought a calendar.

Right, I hear you. “What the hell will a calendar do?” Well, let me tell you. I bought a MASSIVE A1 size calendar, the kind you have in offices but with less of a Wernham Hogg/Dunder Mifflin look about it with a nice background of leaves and flowers to look at. It was an imposing beast and when empty it felt like a tough order and only exacerbated the bleakness I felt inside. I placed it directly across from my bed on my mirrored wardrobe in order to be the first and last thing I saw of the day. It was white, blank and full of potential. I was just struggling to initially see it that way but little by little I turned the tide.

My first foray was to buy a cinema card. It meant going out of the house but not really being out out so to speak. I fell asleep in a number of different cinematic locations while watch some of the best and worst that 20024 cinema had to offer. While I would be wide awake watching something like The Fall Guy that I initially thought would make me the fall asleep gal, my folly was not too quietly napping during Joker- Folie à Deux. Turns out the cinematic audience of an afternoon really doesn't appreciate a snoring patron during the excitement of its first week of release. Once they had actually watched the whole film I’m sure they would agree over actually watching this sequel that the nap time would have been a better option and joined me in a communal kip.

Despite ruining the odd cinephile's experience, I could at least be happy I was doing something. I could take my kids with me to their chosen flick and be with them while not exerting my body beyond its limits and lay down again in my bed knowing that I filled my time outwith the four walls I was oh too familiar with.

Next on the agenda was to attend the plethora of medical appointments I had. I was on the books at the Centre for Integrative Care or the last chance saloon of the chronically unwell. I was surprised to be treated like a whole person and not just a sum of parts to be fixed, I was seen by physio, wellbeing, drama (yes, they do drama) and overseen by a homeopathic doctor who suggested ways that didn’t just involve a pill with fingers crossed for the forthcoming side effects. Well the drama was dramatic in ways I could not have imagined as I looked forward to sessions and what it would unleash in me. I explored emotions and themes I had not anticipated exploring and bit by bit my calendar was getting colourful with different appointments being allocated different colours to cheer up the nothingness of the white.

Finally after many, many months of waiting, I got a slot at the counsellor. I felt I had made progress before but my sessions had expired just as it got to the good bit. It took 3 goes to get right in terms of the actual counsellor but this time I expressly asked for the one that was tapping into something and my sessions would hopefully be uninterrupted. So now I have two weekly appointments and a veritable feast of films to view. It may not seem like much but it was the momentum I needed. By the time May rolled along I was full of spring and not just relating to the season. I felt I should tackle the unfinished HND. I had a handful of modules to complete and the lack of academic certification was sticking in my craw. Even in my darkest moment, I had managed to obtain my Level 3 BSL certificate just weeks before starting the calendar and it ended a few years of chaos with covid and the loss of my tutor hindering my getting to the finish line. Thankfully without a teacher or a school, my certification seemed unattainable but thanks to a school in Dundee coaching me for the final exam I needed to pass then I hirpled over the line like a long distance runner finishing the marathon on a broken leg. I did it before so I surely could do this again. I asked to rejoin my HND at Glasgow Clyde College.

I was thrown into a new class with new students who were perplexed at the old dude who only showed up to the odd class and I was initially treated like the proverbial fart in the lift. They spoke in a language I felt I didn't understand, however like a tourist in a foreign land I tried to learn the lingo and now know enough to get by in a basic conversation. I watched The Traitors and learned a bit about Korean entertainment and pro wrestling so I could show some understanding about what they were into but also could show them a glimmer into a time when they were only a glimmer in their mammy’s eye. I wasn’t perfect and I cocked it up frequently but I think we have reached a point that I am a member of class, like them and keen for us all to get over the line.

I have focused my energy into being present in class and even though I am sometimes beyond knackered at the end of the day, I can feel happy I am trying my best and attempting to get my life back in check.

I managed to fill the calendar with cinema, hospital, college, gigs and the old wee bit of media to create quite the colourful image to look over in 2024. I don’t use the calendar this year as my diary is consistently full week on week and I have added going to football into the mix and returning to comedy is a massive addition to the diary so these days it seems more full than empty.

It’s not been plain sailing and I’ve had my fair share of slipbacks but I feel I am definitely on the climb and sometimes I am too busy and while it can be a real pain in the arse especially under pressure as I am with finishing this bloody graded unit, I can happily say I am miles away from where I was. One of the ways I am adding to my graded unit is by saying I would blog...so here we are