Where D'Ya Go, Rho? Ep5 I'm A Weeble

I used to think I was a Weeble, like the toy from the 70s- Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. That was me small, a dodgy helmet haircut, with a low centre of gravity and all the weight is packed in ma arse for a safe landing if I go over. Sounds about right. For the last 7 years I have been fighting against falls but not the usual kind I can rise from. Dips in my mental health have caused me to slip away from my former self into an almost invisible shadow. I am on a journey to find out what is going on and how I can fix it?

I can go from having a high, high to a low, low in no time at all and the triggers can be significant, of such a colossal magnitude it’s understandable but what about when it turns on a dime with what feels like a hair-trigger activation? I’ve had more than my fair share of highs this week.

Out of the blue I was asked by a casting agent to get in touch as a comedy show wanted me to audition for a part they had that they felt suited me. Now, for someone who hasn’t put herself out for a long time, I assumed I was lost among the cutting floor remnants never to be remembered.

I auditioned for an advert the other week to see if I still had it in me to put myself forward and self tape. The casting agent in that case was super efficient and without making everyone wait in hope, informed me I was unsuccessful this time but even though it was a no, I felt I had a lot to take away from the experience.

Firstly, I need a blank, quiet space in my home suitable to film and self tape. I was beyond frustrated that I was struggling to get a well lit mid shot in my house without some mess or clutter being in the way or the space being too small to start with and fixtures and fittings were going to be in shot whether I wanted them to or not.

Secondly, I need to ensure all my computer equipment is ready for editing and producing quality edits at that. For a while, my only focus has been that my ipad and laptop has solitaire on it.

Recently I celebrated an anniversary of having played the daily games of solitaire with all wins for a whole year. I hoped I would get an emoji, a gif or at least a wee bell to herald my achievement. I was none too pleased when laying my last cards down, I got not so much as a ding a ling. Game makers should take note that a bloody ding or a beep is more than merited so when all I got was silence, I wanted nothing more than to shove my phone up your collective arses and give it a call to make sure I got one wee tune that would make me smile. Anyway, I have jacked in my Solitaire habit through sheer disappointment and returning to performing hopefully will be my new outlet.

I am aware through writing like this that I have a habit of going off on a tangent. I do this in conversations, I nervously witter on or feel the need not to leave out any minor detail for fear of missing something. It's a trust thing, I like to earn people’s trust by not withholding or leaving out detail. It also makes it hard for me to answer a question directly. My face can’t hide so regardless of whether I want to share or not, I sense the compelling urge to blurt out everything. I know it can be a pain. I never know how to exit social situations, I say goodbye loads yet don't leave. The Von Trapp kids think they string out leaving a party. Enter Rhona- “Haud ma pint!”

In more recent years I have noticed I have behaviours that are becoming more apparent. I initially put it down to just being a thoughtless fud but social media reels on Instagram and TikTok are leading me to a new option. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) keeps coming up and it would appear that perimenopause may have caused my symptoms to become more prominent. My focus is not what it was, my need for background noise, a shadow buddy someone around but not necessarily working with me to allow me to concentrate on the matter at hand. Currently to write this I have old episodes of The Repair Shop on in the background as the silence would be too awkward for me. Silence allows my head to wander off and find alternative things to do rather than work. I like to work in places like Waterstones or Mitchell Library whereby others are doing their thing but the atmosphere helps me hone in on working. That and an earbud full of noise.

I now wander off within 10 mins of watching films to check a phone or endlessly scroll. Thankfully I can concentrate in the dark of a cinema but even then I may see the same film more than once so I can take it in properly. Part of me wonders if Silicon Valley has finally scrambled my brain and I am now a slightly thicker headed drone, destined to comply when the AI bots take over.

Without going into all the ins and outs (I want to but I am holding myself back for your benefit). I have read into the subject and it explains a lot. It may explain why I was banned from orange diluting juice for a few years as a kid as Mam reckoned it made us hyper. I was in my late teens still trying to beg my Aunt for juice because she hadn’t had notice that the ban was lifted. I didn’t need to wander into drug culture as a youth, I already felt like a juice junkie, rattling for a fix of Robinson’s

Today was a classic ADHD moment for me, I was hyper focused in edit and pieced my audition together and added all the graphics so it was ready to go. BUT…

Computers and I don’t always get along. I use an apple ipad and iphone but my laptop is Windows (it was a college issue so not my choice) and this clashing of systems always makes for a mess. Yes, Google has answers but I prefer being shown and kinetically learning. When asked to read and reread I am slower and end up so frustrated especially when the instructions don’t do exactly what it said it would. I am not stupid by any means and many who have worked with me would attest that I used to be the office IT whizzkid but of late I cannot be arsed with these unneccesary and time-thieving delays. The Whizzwummin isn’t whizzing, unless you include urinary incontinence on sneezing and coughing.

Today I was using iMovie and the MOV. was not what I needed, I wanted an MP4 file. Well, it wasn’t playing ball. Mark, my own in-house Maurice Moss was on hand to sort it. He spoke to me like I was a numpty as IT folk do so I spoke to him like he was an arsehole and so it went until we were both at the end of our tether, no notice, no pre tether just there on the precipice of the tether facing warning signs. NO TETHER LEFT, DO NOT GO BEYOND THE TETHER.

The pressure of responding by a deadline, my focus having been broken, IT companies being bellends that won’t use universal files throughout so that we can all know the language, meanwhile I’m living with a man who seems to have a spot of ‘tism. Yup, a touch of Rainman, that he isn’t willing to address alongside his ADHDish wife who needs what she needs now! or else her mind is about to eject like Goose in Top Gun. And we know how that ended for Goose. I’ve never gotten over that.

Now I don’t think it was recalling Goose’s death but I broke down. In the grand scheme of things it may not seem like much but as a Disabled woman that faces obstacles everyday I have a low tolerance for additional battles, especially ones as petty as this.

I had plans today to write more blog entries today but had to take some time out to decompress. Mark worked out the issue (that wasn’t my fault in the end but two computer systems being twats and not talking to one another). The file was sent and I hope that something comes of it- especially now after all the palaver it cost. Fingers crossed.

Not sure if I am definitely ADHD and not sure if I can’t be bothered getting a definitive answer. The NHS is stowed out the door with referrals and I am at hospital enough so not keen. I’m not sure the label is going to make a difference anyway but something about fading has caused a rift in my thinking (my head is thinking of Malcolm Rifkind now due to what I just wrote). He is singing my current earworm of the Ashley Storrie Radio 4 show- What’s the Story, Ashley Storrie theme tune.

Imagine a Tory MP as Limahl singing Never Ending Story but instead of those lyrics have him sing Ashley Storrie’s name. Welcome to my brain.

Anyhoo, I’m a Weeble.